today

Healing is a hard process

Sounds stupid, doesn't it? And obvious to all? But really - the thing about healing is that when you think you're finally getting somewhere - BAM! That stomach kick thing happens, the tears start flowing and you wonder if you just took two steps back in the process.

I went away this weekend. It was a trip planned for several months. My friend, Marie-Christine turned 40 in July. Her husband bought tickets for her and me to see the Circue du Soleil show, KOOZA, in Boston. I love Marie, but seriously debated whether or not going was a good idea. On the one hand, I didn't want to let Marie down. On the other, I didn't want to be a downer either and I really didn't know how I'd handle this trip.

I turned to my friend, Nicole. I asked her to go with me. Without her, I don't know that I'd have gone. With her by my side, I was able to not just go, but to have a really, really wonderful time. We were able to get a ticket to the show in the same darn row, the next section over! The show was amazing - I found myself holding my breath as I've done with some of the other CdS shows I've seen.

After the show, we went to dinner at Legal Seafood. YUM. The food, the wine, the friends, the laughs - even the tears - it all made for a perfect night. I'm so glad I went.

Then I came home and spent a full day crying. That's the two steps back I'm talking about...
But it's to be expected, I know. The absolute love of my life is gone and I need to "re"learn how to be me without him. He made me a better person, this I am sure of. I just need to start getting out and living life. It's what he would want, I know this.

I took him a pumpkin today. The mums look beautiful and the grass is starting to grow. This makes me feel both happy and sad - happy that his resting place is becoming one of beauty - sad that this is the case at all. The more grass that grows, the longer I've been without him...

Geez, I'm all over the map. I took a nice long walk with Courtney and my niece today. Now I think I need to get out and throw the ball for the boys. They miss their daddy, too...

Hail to the Chief

Tonight, Charlie's best friend was sworn in as the Chief of Police in his hometown. It's the town that Charlie grew up in. He and Kevin have known each other since... forever.

When we found out that Kevin would be Chief, Charlie was ecstatic. He was seriously as happy as if it were him being made Chief instead of Kevin. We talked about going to the swearing in and taking Kevin and Dawn to dinner to celebrate later. We did everything as a foursome and there was no question that we'd celebrate this special event in some way. And then Charlie died.

I wanted to go tonight because Kevin is one of my closest friends in the world, but I actually went because of Charlie. He wanted to be there and I knew he'd want *me* to be there. Otherwise I'd have stayed home and everyone would have understood.

It was hard to be there. Most of the people I saw were at Chal's funeral. I haven't wanted to face anyone. It's so hard - the looks, the questions, the hugs. I hate it. But the hardest part of being there was being there alone. I was surrounded by people, but I really felt alone. I felt like an outsider, like I'm not part of the crowd anymore. Stupid, I know, but it's exactly how I felt. And it sucked.

I'm glad I went. I know it doesn't sound that way, but I am. Kevin is an amazing guy. He did so much for Charlie. So much for me. I value his friendship and I am so happy that he was sworn in as Chief of Police. He deserves good things and I love him with all of my heart.

But things will never be the same.

Phone Call from Heaven

Today I went to see Charlie. I do that often. His grave site is sunken down because of the rain from the weekend. I left him another seashell and a gerber daisy.

After visiting, I went to my parents' house for lunch. My brother, Billy, stopped in with his family. I had brought with me a play cell phone that Charlie bought for Sarah the last time he was shopping. He loved to surprise her with little things - the way he did for me.

I gave her the phone, she played with it a minute, then was off to bigger and better things. That's just the way it is with a very nearly 3-year old (September 11th, she'll be 3!).

When it was time for her to leave, she grabbed her new cell phone and pushed a few buttons. It made a ringing noise. "It's Uncle Charlie," she said. "What's he doing?" I asked her. "He's painting the sky and the water with Jesus and Kevin." 'And Kevin' is what she says instead of "in heaven." She brought the phone to me to say hi to Uncle Charlie and Jesus. They told *me* it was time for *her* to go home and take a nap. ;)

So there you go. Today, I, Susan Hetherington Senior, got a phone call from Charlie and Jesus 'and Kevin.'

I don't know how to be me without him

I truly do not know how to be happy without Charlie in my life. He was so special and so warm and so smart and so funny and so thoughtful and I loved him so much. I want to get back to "normal" or something like that, but how? I don't want to talk to anyone or see anyone. I sit and stare at something, then realize it's been an hour. Today I saw one of the closest friends I have and I couldn't look her in the eye. I cry every single day. Everything reminds me of him.

The thought of life without him is... I don't know. I don't feel like I can do it.