Monday, September 8, 2008

Hail to the Chief

Tonight, Charlie's best friend was sworn in as the Chief of Police in his hometown. It's the town that Charlie grew up in. He and Kevin have known each other since... forever.

When we found out that Kevin would be Chief, Charlie was ecstatic. He was seriously as happy as if it were him being made Chief instead of Kevin. We talked about going to the swearing in and taking Kevin and Dawn to dinner to celebrate later. We did everything as a foursome and there was no question that we'd celebrate this special event in some way. And then Charlie died.

I wanted to go tonight because Kevin is one of my closest friends in the world, but I actually went because of Charlie. He wanted to be there and I knew he'd want *me* to be there. Otherwise I'd have stayed home and everyone would have understood.

It was hard to be there. Most of the people I saw were at Chal's funeral. I haven't wanted to face anyone. It's so hard - the looks, the questions, the hugs. I hate it. But the hardest part of being there was being there alone. I was surrounded by people, but I really felt alone. I felt like an outsider, like I'm not part of the crowd anymore. Stupid, I know, but it's exactly how I felt. And it sucked.

I'm glad I went. I know it doesn't sound that way, but I am. Kevin is an amazing guy. He did so much for Charlie. So much for me. I value his friendship and I am so happy that he was sworn in as Chief of Police. He deserves good things and I love him with all of my heart.

But things will never be the same.


Team Immel said...

big hugs. i don't know what else to say. nothing seems good enough ya know? i'm sorry that nothing will be the same. that you feel alone. i'm sorry that you are going through this and we can't fix it and make it better. just know that i'm thinking about you and holding you in my heart.

Diana said...

You were so incredibly brave to go to Kevin's swearing in. You are amazing, though I know you probably don't feel like you are. But you are.