Wednesday, April 15, 2009

8 months

And I still feel so much anger and sadness and confusion and emptiness and frustration and pain.

Today has been a bad day...

Monday, February 9, 2009

Miss Kitty and Charlie

They are together again. I'll miss her, but I am glad to know that she is with Charlie now...

She was my first baby. She was (at least) 22 years old. She moved with me 7 times to 3 states. She put up with numerous dogs, cats, kids, ex's. She and Charlie fell in love when they met which made me love them both a little bit more.

She was with me longer than anyone in my life. Half of my 42 years, in fact. She knew every secret. She slept on my head for years, squawked at me when she wanted something, bossed around her 100+ pound brothers, drank out of a water glass on the table (hers), had the softest kitty-rabbit hair ever and loved me unconditionally just like a cat is NOT supposed to do. She was my best friend no matter how silly it sounds.

Bye, Kitty Kitterington. Tell Daddy I love him.

Tuesday, November 4, 2008

Our Anniversary

Charlie and I were married on November 8th, 2001 in Ocho Rios, Jamaica. It was a wonderful trip and I'd do it all exactly the same if given the chance.

I miss Charlie a lot. It's been nearly 3 months since he died and I miss him every single day. He was too young, too good, too special to die.

Knowing that I will be a wreck this weekend, I've planned a trip to visit my Aunt and Uncle in Lancaster for the weekend. Charlie loved them, they loved Charlie. They know there will be tears and still they want me to come!

His headstone will be completed and put in either Friday or Saturday. I feel good that he will finally have it - it took a long time, but now there is a sense of... not closure... um, just a good feeling knowing that he will have a special marker. He deserves the best and I hope that what I picked is right for him. I think it is.

Halloween party at the neighbors was a lot of fun. I was supposed to be a "Renaissance Queen," but instead looked more like a Renaissance Elvira. Yikes! I missed Charlie a lot - he loved Halloween and had so much fun last year. I just have to get used to the idea that he can't be with me anymore. I don't like it, but I've got to learn to accept it. I'm working on it, but I expect no major breakthroughs before the holidays end...

Work is work. I've yet to make it through a full day with a tear or two, but I think I'm doing better. Getting into a routine...

Got up crazy early today to get to the polls by 6:30a. I was actually a little earlier than I planned and there were NO lines. By the time I drove into work (an hour commute), the polling stations had lines around the corner. I'm glad I went when I did!


Wednesday, October 8, 2008

Can't sleep

Two months ago, at about this time of night/morning, Charlie felt sick. Flu-ish. A few hours later, I drove him to the hospital because we thought he might be dehydrated.

I think of every minute in the hospital. When did things change? When did the infection take over? Why didn't I know? Why didn't the doctors know?


I'm making myself crazy tonight. Angry. So angry. Frustrated. Sad. Filled with regret. Empty. Tired. Lonely. I feel like it just wasn't fair. This should not have happened to Charlie. To me. To us.

I just can't stop crying. I'm going to go ride it out on the sofa so I (hopefully) don't wake Courtney who is staying with me tonight.

I want to stop missing him. I can't. And I *don't* want to stop missing him, too. He was true love to me. How can that not be missed?


Monday, September 29, 2008

Thursday, September 25, 2008

Healing is a hard process

Sounds stupid, doesn't it? And obvious to all? But really - the thing about healing is that when you think you're finally getting somewhere - BAM! That stomach kick thing happens, the tears start flowing and you wonder if you just took two steps back in the process.

I went away this weekend. It was a trip planned for several months. My friend, Marie-Christine turned 40 in July. Her husband bought tickets for her and me to see the Circue du Soleil show, KOOZA, in Boston. I love Marie, but seriously debated whether or not going was a good idea. On the one hand, I didn't want to let Marie down. On the other, I didn't want to be a downer either and I really didn't know how I'd handle this trip.

I turned to my friend, Nicole. I asked her to go with me. Without her, I don't know that I'd have gone. With her by my side, I was able to not just go, but to have a really, really wonderful time. We were able to get a ticket to the show in the same darn row, the next section over! The show was amazing - I found myself holding my breath as I've done with some of the other CdS shows I've seen.

After the show, we went to dinner at Legal Seafood. YUM. The food, the wine, the friends, the laughs - even the tears - it all made for a perfect night. I'm so glad I went.

Then I came home and spent a full day crying. That's the two steps back I'm talking about...
But it's to be expected, I know. The absolute love of my life is gone and I need to "re"learn how to be me without him. He made me a better person, this I am sure of. I just need to start getting out and living life. It's what he would want, I know this.

I took him a pumpkin today. The mums look beautiful and the grass is starting to grow. This makes me feel both happy and sad - happy that his resting place is becoming one of beauty - sad that this is the case at all. The more grass that grows, the longer I've been without him...

Geez, I'm all over the map. I took a nice long walk with Courtney and my niece today. Now I think I need to get out and throw the ball for the boys. They miss their daddy, too...

Monday, September 8, 2008

Hail to the Chief

Tonight, Charlie's best friend was sworn in as the Chief of Police in his hometown. It's the town that Charlie grew up in. He and Kevin have known each other since... forever.

When we found out that Kevin would be Chief, Charlie was ecstatic. He was seriously as happy as if it were him being made Chief instead of Kevin. We talked about going to the swearing in and taking Kevin and Dawn to dinner to celebrate later. We did everything as a foursome and there was no question that we'd celebrate this special event in some way. And then Charlie died.

I wanted to go tonight because Kevin is one of my closest friends in the world, but I actually went because of Charlie. He wanted to be there and I knew he'd want *me* to be there. Otherwise I'd have stayed home and everyone would have understood.

It was hard to be there. Most of the people I saw were at Chal's funeral. I haven't wanted to face anyone. It's so hard - the looks, the questions, the hugs. I hate it. But the hardest part of being there was being there alone. I was surrounded by people, but I really felt alone. I felt like an outsider, like I'm not part of the crowd anymore. Stupid, I know, but it's exactly how I felt. And it sucked.

I'm glad I went. I know it doesn't sound that way, but I am. Kevin is an amazing guy. He did so much for Charlie. So much for me. I value his friendship and I am so happy that he was sworn in as Chief of Police. He deserves good things and I love him with all of my heart.

But things will never be the same.