Two months ago, at about this time of night/morning, Charlie felt sick. Flu-ish. A few hours later, I drove him to the hospital because we thought he might be dehydrated.
I think of every minute in the hospital. When did things change? When did the infection take over? Why didn't I know? Why didn't the doctors know?
WhywhywhywhyWHYWHYWHY?!?!
I'm making myself crazy tonight. Angry. So angry. Frustrated. Sad. Filled with regret. Empty. Tired. Lonely. I feel like it just wasn't fair. This should not have happened to Charlie. To me. To us.
I just can't stop crying. I'm going to go ride it out on the sofa so I (hopefully) don't wake Courtney who is staying with me tonight.
I want to stop missing him. I can't. And I *don't* want to stop missing him, too. He was true love to me. How can that not be missed?
FUCK!
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2 comments:
oh sweetie i'm so sorry. of course you're going to miss your one true love. so glad you had that with him. wish i could wave a magic wand and make everything better. i can only imagine how hard it must be for you. especially at bed time. just know i'm here for you if you EVER need anything. anytime. just a keyboard away. big big big hugs and thoughts being sent to you via cyberspace. open your arms and catch them!
xoxo
shauna
thinking of you. check your blog daily to check in on you. sorry you're not sleeping and you're missing your main man. my heart hurts for you and yours. take care.
i'm here if you need me.
xoxo
shauna
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