Can't sleep

Two months ago, at about this time of night/morning, Charlie felt sick. Flu-ish. A few hours later, I drove him to the hospital because we thought he might be dehydrated.

I think of every minute in the hospital. When did things change? When did the infection take over? Why didn't I know? Why didn't the doctors know?

WhywhywhywhyWHYWHYWHY?!?!

I'm making myself crazy tonight. Angry. So angry. Frustrated. Sad. Filled with regret. Empty. Tired. Lonely. I feel like it just wasn't fair. This should not have happened to Charlie. To me. To us.

I just can't stop crying. I'm going to go ride it out on the sofa so I (hopefully) don't wake Courtney who is staying with me tonight.

I want to stop missing him. I can't. And I *don't* want to stop missing him, too. He was true love to me. How can that not be missed?

FUCK!