8 months

And I still feel so much anger and sadness and confusion and emptiness and frustration and pain.

Today has been a bad day...

Miss Kitty and Charlie

They are together again. I'll miss her, but I am glad to know that she is with Charlie now...

She was my first baby. She was (at least) 22 years old. She moved with me 7 times to 3 states. She put up with numerous dogs, cats, kids, ex's. She and Charlie fell in love when they met which made me love them both a little bit more.

She was with me longer than anyone in my life. Half of my 42 years, in fact. She knew every secret. She slept on my head for years, squawked at me when she wanted something, bossed around her 100+ pound brothers, drank out of a water glass on the table (hers), had the softest kitty-rabbit hair ever and loved me unconditionally just like a cat is NOT supposed to do. She was my best friend no matter how silly it sounds.

Bye, Kitty Kitterington. Tell Daddy I love him.

Our Anniversary

Charlie and I were married on November 8th, 2001 in Ocho Rios, Jamaica. It was a wonderful trip and I'd do it all exactly the same if given the chance.

I miss Charlie a lot. It's been nearly 3 months since he died and I miss him every single day. He was too young, too good, too special to die.

Knowing that I will be a wreck this weekend, I've planned a trip to visit my Aunt and Uncle in Lancaster for the weekend. Charlie loved them, they loved Charlie. They know there will be tears and still they want me to come!

His headstone will be completed and put in either Friday or Saturday. I feel good that he will finally have it - it took a long time, but now there is a sense of... not closure... um, just a good feeling knowing that he will have a special marker. He deserves the best and I hope that what I picked is right for him. I think it is.

Halloween party at the neighbors was a lot of fun. I was supposed to be a "Renaissance Queen," but instead looked more like a Renaissance Elvira. Yikes! I missed Charlie a lot - he loved Halloween and had so much fun last year. I just have to get used to the idea that he can't be with me anymore. I don't like it, but I've got to learn to accept it. I'm working on it, but I expect no major breakthroughs before the holidays end...

Work is work. I've yet to make it through a full day with a tear or two, but I think I'm doing better. Getting into a routine...

Got up crazy early today to get to the polls by 6:30a. I was actually a little earlier than I planned and there were NO lines. By the time I drove into work (an hour commute), the polling stations had lines around the corner. I'm glad I went when I did!

Now - YOU! GET OUT AND VOTE!

Can't sleep

Two months ago, at about this time of night/morning, Charlie felt sick. Flu-ish. A few hours later, I drove him to the hospital because we thought he might be dehydrated.

I think of every minute in the hospital. When did things change? When did the infection take over? Why didn't I know? Why didn't the doctors know?

WhywhywhywhyWHYWHYWHY?!?!

I'm making myself crazy tonight. Angry. So angry. Frustrated. Sad. Filled with regret. Empty. Tired. Lonely. I feel like it just wasn't fair. This should not have happened to Charlie. To me. To us.

I just can't stop crying. I'm going to go ride it out on the sofa so I (hopefully) don't wake Courtney who is staying with me tonight.

I want to stop missing him. I can't. And I *don't* want to stop missing him, too. He was true love to me. How can that not be missed?

FUCK!

today

Phone Call from Heaven

Today I went to see Charlie. I do that often. His grave site is sunken down because of the rain from the weekend. I left him another seashell and a gerber daisy.

After visiting, I went to my parents' house for lunch. My brother, Billy, stopped in with his family. I had brought with me a play cell phone that Charlie bought for Sarah the last time he was shopping. He loved to surprise her with little things - the way he did for me.

I gave her the phone, she played with it a minute, then was off to bigger and better things. That's just the way it is with a very nearly 3-year old (September 11th, she'll be 3!).

When it was time for her to leave, she grabbed her new cell phone and pushed a few buttons. It made a ringing noise. "It's Uncle Charlie," she said. "What's he doing?" I asked her. "He's painting the sky and the water with Jesus and Kevin." 'And Kevin' is what she says instead of "in heaven." She brought the phone to me to say hi to Uncle Charlie and Jesus. They told *me* it was time for *her* to go home and take a nap. ;)

So there you go. Today, I, Susan Hetherington Senior, got a phone call from Charlie and Jesus 'and Kevin.'

I don't know how to be me without him

I truly do not know how to be happy without Charlie in my life. He was so special and so warm and so smart and so funny and so thoughtful and I loved him so much. I want to get back to "normal" or something like that, but how? I don't want to talk to anyone or see anyone. I sit and stare at something, then realize it's been an hour. Today I saw one of the closest friends I have and I couldn't look her in the eye. I cry every single day. Everything reminds me of him.

The thought of life without him is... I don't know. I don't feel like I can do it.

It was one week ago today...

I am really struggling these past few days. I thought the viewing and funeral would be the tough days - I was wrong. It's now, when there's nothing to do but think and feel and cry, that I am having the hardest time. I miss Charlie so much. I feel empty without him. I want him back.

Rest In Peace, my Love

I love you and will miss you forever.



To the moon and back until the end of time...

Charles Senior
March 31, 1963 - August 16, 2008

Services for Charlie

As requested from some of you, here are the arrangements for this week -

Viewing for Charlie on Tuesday evening, 7p - 9p, at Wood Funeral Home, 134 East Main Street, Tuckerton, NJ 08087.

Also, viewing Wednesday morning, 9:30a - 11:00a.
Funeral service starts at 11:00a.
Immediately following funeral service, Charlie will be buried at Greenwood Cemetery, 306 N Green Street in Tuckerton.

In lieu of flowers, please send donations to the American Cancer Society, 1035 Hooper Avenue, Toms River, NJ 08753 in memory of Charlie Senior.

Charlie

He is in Heaven with God and the Angels now. Thank you so much for your prayers - for everything - I know he knew you were there.