Thursday, September 25, 2008

Healing is a hard process

Sounds stupid, doesn't it? And obvious to all? But really - the thing about healing is that when you think you're finally getting somewhere - BAM! That stomach kick thing happens, the tears start flowing and you wonder if you just took two steps back in the process.

I went away this weekend. It was a trip planned for several months. My friend, Marie-Christine turned 40 in July. Her husband bought tickets for her and me to see the Circue du Soleil show, KOOZA, in Boston. I love Marie, but seriously debated whether or not going was a good idea. On the one hand, I didn't want to let Marie down. On the other, I didn't want to be a downer either and I really didn't know how I'd handle this trip.

I turned to my friend, Nicole. I asked her to go with me. Without her, I don't know that I'd have gone. With her by my side, I was able to not just go, but to have a really, really wonderful time. We were able to get a ticket to the show in the same darn row, the next section over! The show was amazing - I found myself holding my breath as I've done with some of the other CdS shows I've seen.

After the show, we went to dinner at Legal Seafood. YUM. The food, the wine, the friends, the laughs - even the tears - it all made for a perfect night. I'm so glad I went.

Then I came home and spent a full day crying. That's the two steps back I'm talking about...
But it's to be expected, I know. The absolute love of my life is gone and I need to "re"learn how to be me without him. He made me a better person, this I am sure of. I just need to start getting out and living life. It's what he would want, I know this.

I took him a pumpkin today. The mums look beautiful and the grass is starting to grow. This makes me feel both happy and sad - happy that his resting place is becoming one of beauty - sad that this is the case at all. The more grass that grows, the longer I've been without him...

Geez, I'm all over the map. I took a nice long walk with Courtney and my niece today. Now I think I need to get out and throw the ball for the boys. They miss their daddy, too...


Diana said...

You are so incredibly strong.

Team Immel said...

you write so beautifully. i loved what you said about the grass growing. your words speak to me so much. i'm sorry it's so hard. it's what i dread most for my husband and family. just keep on keeping on. you will have your ups and downs and just take baby steps. one step at a time. it helps to have someone by your side, so i'm so glad your friend accompanied you on your trip and that you had a good time. big hugs.